Tiny Gestures

I work with a bunch of different kinds of people. That hasn't always been the case. When I was at Berklee it was a bunch of people my same age. I kinda got it. We got along or we didn't. After 6 years I still can't tell where I stand with people. I don't talk to anyone outside work or anything like that. We all don't even talk daily. (It is really odd sitting in a bunch of cubicles emailing one another all day. SO WEIRD) We don't really know each other that well despite working the same room 6 years because that is just how people are here. Don't know each others birthdays or any of that stuff. (Berklee was SO different. We celebrated every ones birthday with a cake and card and made a big deal of embarrassing them etc.) Both places libraries both totally different vibes. Everyone is respectful for the most part but people just keep to themselves.


Point? Two times this past week people did something to surprise me.

First. Last week I came into work one day to find this on my desk.




















I squealed. I literally squealed. In the week previous while eating foreign "biscuits" someone brought in I stated that my favorite candy bar ever is the foreign "crunchie" bar that you can't find here outside an import store.


THEY (I say they so as not to give away details) BOUGHT ME ONE! Dude. I mean RIGHT?????

And then yesterday I came into work, sat at my chair and felt something funny. I got up and saw this.


























Someone had rigged up a back support on my chair! I knew who did it instantly. Only one person could fold a hoodie into a perfect shape like that. 2 weeks ago I had put this chair pad out to the "donate to office pile" I had gotten it a few years ago and a different chair ago for my back. I have scoliosis and my lower back is killing me by the end of the day. When I got a new chair it didn't work and I couldn't get it it to stand up so it had sat in a drawer for years until I finally decided to offer it up. This person took it and asked if I was sure I didn't want it. I explained the stupid chair and how it didn't work. They went home THOUGHT ABOUT IT enough to come in and rig this up for me. WHAT? dude.

This made me feel all smooshy so yesterday I went out and bought cinnamon rolls and a pan (can't gluten up mine) and came in and backed cinnamon rolls in the staff room. (I have NEVER seen anyone use the oven in there in all my years)


















Then I sent an email about hot cinnamon rolls 9:00 am my desk. If people bring something they usually leave it on a table and people sneak by and grab some but I was making people come by. Just so I could have an excuse to say hi. I am so socially awkward that it gave me an IN! I could say Hey HOW ARE YOU as they grabbed one and ran. Normally I don't know how to approach people. Even people I've know for a long time. Hell I don't know how to approach friends sometimes! I get a text and I think OH OK we can talk for fear of initiating and annoying.

So yeah random acts of kindness. They rock. Go do one. You might make some one's day.

OH kittens ok. Yes I hear people like them. In the same vein. This morning I came out into the kitchen to see this.
























Dave gets up before me in the morning and Waffle usually joins him and Daisyboo stays and sleeps later with me. This morning she got up with Dave and Waffle was being her charming self and hogging the food while Daisyboo stood in line behind her waiting to eat. So he filled a little plate and set it at the counter and pulled up a stool for her so she didn't have to wait for the monster to finish.

Hey guys,

Yeah so I have mentally written this at least a dozen times over the past three weeks. I don't even know what to say.

I quit. I just one day decided I had enough and I shut it down. Pulled the whole damn thing down, the twitter and Facebook for this site. I ripped the band-aid off. It is the way I like to do things usually. I don't like to drag things out or prolong the inevitable. Cold turkey it. I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I didn't plan on explaining why to anyone other than my husband. (Mom included. Sorry mom.) I felt I owed no one any explanation. It was my blog, my words, my time I could do with it what I wanted. Some people were super nice and sent me an email and others were, quite frankly, rude. Assuming I blocked them. I don't know why it said invite only apparently that is what blogger says when you private a site. There were no invitations I was the only one who could see it. (And from my end I couldn't see what others saw) My inner surly teenager didn't understand why I had to explain my actions. Funnily if anyone approached it gently I probably would of told them.

The reason I quit is because I am an asshole. I am a bully, I say horrible things and pick on... myself. Dude I have been mentally beating the shit out of myself. Every photo I posted I would go back and obsess over and see every single little fault and I waited for someone to point them out. To call me out as a fraud and that I shouldn't be blogging to begin with. I have a good life. I have the most adoring husband who thinks I hung the moon. I have a job I am good at. I have some kickass friends. I have a nice home. I have money in the bank, kittens in my bed and a belly full of food. Why am I beating the shit out of myself? I don't know. That is why I quit. I thought if I stopped posting the photos I would stop doing it. I didn't. It didn't change. In fact I'd say it got a little worse. I don't know what changed. I don't know why I am so harsh on myself. I have always been my own worst critic. No matter what bad thing you may think about me and there are those out there that think plenty bad about me. Doesn't matter I say things 10 times worse to myself. But it went from a little thing here and there to EVERYTHING. I could do no right in my mind. Everything I did was another chance to obsess how I did it wrong.

And you know what? I missed the blog. I don't miss posting photos of myself. I miss the people, I miss sharing with others even those who just come by to roll their eyes. Those who are just being peeping toms. I missed having a outlet for my mental ramblings.

I don't think I will ever get back to daily outfit posting. I don't know if I ever will post one again but haven't I always said "THIS IS NOT A FASHION BLOG"?

What changed my mind? I got a letter from a friend. I was frankly shocked someone cared enough to say the things that were said. He offered to buy byhillary.com so if I ever decided to come back he wanted me to have the option because he knew there was more I had to say. I didn't know what to think. It seriously left me speechless. I didn't think anyone other than Dave really cared what I had to say. I didn't miraculously develop self esteem from it but it did make me rethink my thinking.

I am a work in progress but I would like to offer my apology for leaving the table without excusing myself. My mum raised me better than that.

Thank you for reading.

I like orange.

My camera dos not do well with super bright colors. The above photo is the truest to the actual colors it got for this outfit.

Shirt Lands End Canvas

Jeans American Eagle

Belt Anthropologie (the little loop is neon orange but belt is silver)

Shoes Seychelles (these are HUGE heels. I still look short. They have to be at least 4.5 inches)

Sweater NY&Co.

I made the earrings. I like the mixing of the pink gold with silver.  The stone was called leopard stone.

I love this nail color but it chipped INSTANTLY. It was so frustrating to wear. It got a lot of attention though. In person it is even brighter.



Kinda funny to think how when Daniel Radcliff said in the movie "I solemnly swear I am up to no good" he really meant it. heh.

Pinterest VS Reality Volume 3

Today is round three at our attempt to make something we found on Pinterest. This time we made Chicken Enchiladas from Pink Parsley.

Photo courtesy of Pink Parsley

Our results. :(

I don't want to give ours a complex but that baby was U G L Y. 

 The original was so beautiful and so perfect. Ours fell apart in the pan. The corn wrappers weren't behaving at all. We didn't have to modify the recipe it was already gluten free. It tasted good but man what an ugly dish. neither Dave nor I ever have any luck when we work with corn wrappers. I have tried all kinds of "tricks" people have suggested. I think we just need to investigate an alternative gluten free wrap option. Again like previous dishes it tasted good it just didn't look it. Next time I would add MORE spice though. Some of the spice got lost in the cooking.

If you want to see what I am pinning or to shoot me ideas (just mark the pin @byhillary) for future meals find me on Pinterest here.