Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Hey guys,

Yeah so I have mentally written this at least a dozen times over the past three weeks. I don't even know what to say.

I quit. I just one day decided I had enough and I shut it down. Pulled the whole damn thing down, the twitter and Facebook for this site. I ripped the band-aid off. It is the way I like to do things usually. I don't like to drag things out or prolong the inevitable. Cold turkey it. I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I didn't plan on explaining why to anyone other than my husband. (Mom included. Sorry mom.) I felt I owed no one any explanation. It was my blog, my words, my time I could do with it what I wanted. Some people were super nice and sent me an email and others were, quite frankly, rude. Assuming I blocked them. I don't know why it said invite only apparently that is what blogger says when you private a site. There were no invitations I was the only one who could see it. (And from my end I couldn't see what others saw) My inner surly teenager didn't understand why I had to explain my actions. Funnily if anyone approached it gently I probably would of told them.

The reason I quit is because I am an asshole. I am a bully, I say horrible things and pick on... myself. Dude I have been mentally beating the shit out of myself. Every photo I posted I would go back and obsess over and see every single little fault and I waited for someone to point them out. To call me out as a fraud and that I shouldn't be blogging to begin with. I have a good life. I have the most adoring husband who thinks I hung the moon. I have a job I am good at. I have some kickass friends. I have a nice home. I have money in the bank, kittens in my bed and a belly full of food. Why am I beating the shit out of myself? I don't know. That is why I quit. I thought if I stopped posting the photos I would stop doing it. I didn't. It didn't change. In fact I'd say it got a little worse. I don't know what changed. I don't know why I am so harsh on myself. I have always been my own worst critic. No matter what bad thing you may think about me and there are those out there that think plenty bad about me. Doesn't matter I say things 10 times worse to myself. But it went from a little thing here and there to EVERYTHING. I could do no right in my mind. Everything I did was another chance to obsess how I did it wrong.

And you know what? I missed the blog. I don't miss posting photos of myself. I miss the people, I miss sharing with others even those who just come by to roll their eyes. Those who are just being peeping toms. I missed having a outlet for my mental ramblings.

I don't think I will ever get back to daily outfit posting. I don't know if I ever will post one again but haven't I always said "THIS IS NOT A FASHION BLOG"?

What changed my mind? I got a letter from a friend. I was frankly shocked someone cared enough to say the things that were said. He offered to buy byhillary.com so if I ever decided to come back he wanted me to have the option because he knew there was more I had to say. I didn't know what to think. It seriously left me speechless. I didn't think anyone other than Dave really cared what I had to say. I didn't miraculously develop self esteem from it but it did make me rethink my thinking.

I am a work in progress but I would like to offer my apology for leaving the table without excusing myself. My mum raised me better than that.

Thank you for reading.

55 comments:

Cara said...

I found the same thing - the more pictures I took, the less I liked myself. It's one of the reasons I switched up the format. What I missed most about your blog was the random shots of you and Dave at restaurants. I don't reference any recipes or restaurants you mention (not needing to support a gluten-free diet), but for some reason, it was just always fun to find out!

Robin said...

I will miss your outfits, and your posts about your life and sweet kittens. Take care.

I think you are beautiful.

Robin said...

Oh my gosh, I was attempting to send an e-mail but didn't know what to say since (while an all the time reader), I was just a casual commenter.

I completely understand where you're coming from, which is why I deleted my old blog (though I was more judgmental of the things I typed, rather than pictures). I truly hope that you are happy with whatever direction you take with this blog. You can do what you damn well please because- HEY! It's your blog.

Just letting you know that I've missed reading your posts and appreciate all that you do on this site. Thank you! =)

Cassykins said...

You remind me so much of my best friend that it's scary you know. I have missed your posts, your stories and your kitties. Something I have found with blogging, the majority of the people aren't going to point out your flaws and in fact will gush over the awesome things that you just thought were ok yourself. Of course there are douchebags out there, but they're in the real world, too.
I think it's perfectly ok to have a blog not focused on anything specific. Perhaps I say that because I'm biased on that one. I enjoy your outfit posts, but I mostly just like reading stories about your family and about you and Dave. It's not going to be for everyone, but the people who are left I think will keep you happier if you decide to forge on. I guess the short version of all this is hi, it's good to hear from you :)

Marianne said...

I'm sorry you feel that way Hillary, but if blogging has such a bad effect on your morale, I can't help but agree with your decision. On the other hand I will definitely miss reading your posts and seeing what you're up to.

I also deleted my (short-lived) blog because I didn't enjoy feeling obligated to do it and I put pressure on myself for no reason. So I can understand a bit why you feel this way.

Give a big hug to your kitties!

byhillary said...

This post was me saying "I'm back" with no promises on direction and no more "daily" fashion but I might post some here and there.

I've had this site TEN years in April. April 2002 I started. So blogging doesn't do it to me. It certainly didn't cause it. It was exacerbating it. So I'm cutting that parts. The obligation to post fashion I'd made for myself.

I appreciate all your comments.

byhillary said...

See comment below. I'm "back" I miss your blog!!!!

byhillary said...

Ah I don't care about the haters. I have only ever had one on here. They did a drive by insult and never came back. 10 years one flaming asshole. Rude people? Sure.

byhillary said...

In the words of cartman
Whatever! I do what I want!

byhillary said...

Ive alway been a bit of a jerk to myself. It just recently was BAD. Going through something's in life so it was my way of dealing! Go me! Boo.

Kasmira said...

I understand where your coming from. I hope to hear more about you and Dave and see more kitty pics. Outfits are just gravy. Cute, delicious gravy, but gravy. :)

Jane said...

Hillary, you are too cool! I am a very casual commenter, like Robin, but I read your blog whenever you updated it. Your honesty and ability to express exactly what you think is what I admire about you and how you document things in and about your life on your blog. Surely though, you should do what makes you happiest! It is after all, your blog!! :) I will miss your lovely blog if you decide to stop it, but I am ever so grateful I got to know a little bit about that lovely New England girl, Hillary! Reading your most recent post reminded me of words from one of my FAVORITE songs from the 80's, the band is Talk Talk, the song, "Life's What You Make It"

♫♪ Baby, life's what you make it - don't backdate it.
Baby, don't try to shade it - beauty is naked.
Ev'rything's alright - life's what you make it -
Ev'rything's alright - what you make it.

Baby, life's what you make it - celebrate it
Anticipate it - yesterday's faded.
Nothing can change it - life's what you make it. ♪♫

byhillary said...

If I hadn't blogged I wouldn't of met you! Talk about delicious gravy!

byhillary said...

Thank you! Totally spotifying the song tomorrow.

beyondthebath said...

I've missed you - and, for the record. It's your blog. You can do whatever you want. <3

EvaNadine said...

(((hugs)))
i love seeing your outfits posts and reading about your hubby, your family, what you did over the weekend, your ramblings, etc.
but, like you said, if all the photos are exacerbating a bad thing, do what you need to do to get yourself at ease.
i look forward to reading whatever you decide to post here, and hopefully we can keep up over on FB.
love you, girl!

Jane said...

:)

TropigothMama said...

I missed you! I am glad you did not leave for good. *hugs*

Chalkdust and Boots said...

I've missed you and I like just reading what you write, whatever it may be - it's nice to compare notes (even if it's about the weather!) with someone who's in the same geographic location. Good luck with everything you decide to do!

Tizzy said...

You do what you gotta do. I love your blog. I think you're great and funny and real with a good heart. Anything you want to post about is a-ok - I'm a fan no matter what. Cat posts, food posts, grandparent posts, Boston posts, bag posts - all are great. But, for the record, your outfits are adorable and your style is closest to my own of all the bloggers I follow - so I find inspiration in what you wear. Thank you for your blog! I wish you saw yourself the way your readers do!

Lab geek said...

Actually yesterday, I went to your blog to try to find an email to see if you were ok. I have only left a few comments here and there but I do enjoy reading your blog. You seem very personable and I could see we have a few things in common (our love of make-up, our douchey kitty, tasty food...).
Regarding your blog, it is totally up to you to do what you need to do with it. There can always be more kitty pictures!

Joy said...

Well, I wondered what happened! That's why I tracked you down on Pinterest! LOL I hardly every comment but I always read, even if I read late! I understand getting tired of doing it and backing off from it. And I get being your own worst critic. But you are beautiful! I have had hair envy ever since I found this blog! And I always love reading about your makeup!! But I like reading the stuff about you and Dave and the kittahs too!

Do what you have to do, for yourself, though! And if you do post, I'll be here to read it.

DaniellaBella said...

I think you are brave to quit when you think you need to. And brave to talk about it. It's so easy to be mean to ourselves. We always sit there and take it. I'm trying to teach myself to be gentle to me, to try to see myself the way that the people who love me most see me. It's tricky. Anyway the point it I'm glad you're back. This is your space on the internet and you can do with it as you please, I always look forward to reading it. Even if I have to wait forever for it to load up because of my inconsistent and horrible internet. Cannot wait until I can read things quickly and easily again! Take care of you!

DaniellaBella said...

Oh! And I think that I told you this before but it was your blog that made me brave enough to start taking and sharing photos of my outfits! It was you who inspired the first photo!! Thanks!

byhillary said...

This came to my email but wasn't in the approval que. I didn't want anyone to think I was not approving things.


Misty has left a new comment on your post "Hey guys, Yeah so I have mentally written this at ...":

I was missing your posts and wondering where you had gone! I love your blog and hope you come back for good. I have tons of experience with the negative self talk. It's a TOUGH demon to battle, for sure, even with loving people by your side. I enjoy reading your blog and even though Im normally just a lurker ;) this post touched my heart enough for me to comment, and just say I'll read it, whatever you choose to write!:)

Gap Junkie said...

I am de-lurking to say that your blog is one of the most genuine around. When I read your fashion/beauty/life/kitteh/food posts, it doesn't feel like an editorial like most other blogs - it feels like catching up with a friend. No matter what you choose to do going forward with your blog, I support it. But please know that the blogosphere needs more down-to-earth people like you to tell their story. :)

freeda said...

I think everyone just wants whatever is best for you. If it isn't blogging, that's okay. If it is blogging differently, that's okay. I think many commenters are also bloggers and understand exactly where you are coming from.

Personally I enjoy non outfit posts as much as outfit posts. And most bloggers I follow are only posting 3 times a week now. Everyone's blogs are evolving to meet their current needs. I hope yours does too. Hugs!

Teresa Kulupka said...

i love reading your blog and not just because of the outfit posts. i just like hearing about your life and seeing your chronicle of time passing.

Teresa Kulupka said...

this just ate my post...but essentially i said, i miss your posts.

Vivi R said...

Your blog was one of the first ones that I started reading when I stumbled upon this blogging world. I myself am not a blogger but I've always enjoyed reading your posts and commenting when I've dared too. Hope all is good...hugs!

Mel said...

I've been missing your posts, and I'm not saying that to guilt you in any way.

People change so much in ten years' time. Who says a blog can't change? Whatever it is should be an extension of you now, not you ten years ago. If you choose to keep up the blog, I'm sure you'll have people who read it and care.

nire00 said...

I have followed your blog for a while, never commented and still struggle with the fact that I feel connected to strangers who blog about their lives. That's silly, right? But, I love reading your posts! I've totally missed them. I hope you are well and rocking your Danskos, Marc Jacobs and hoodies, even if it's off the blogosphere.

nire00 said...

I don't think I've ever commented, but I love your blog and miss your posts. I hope you are rocking your Danskos, Marc Jacobs dresses and hoodies even off the blogosphere.

whenlifehandsyouapear said...

I've cut way back on all my blog reading, but I must say I've missed seeing your posts the most. I agree with the others who pointed out that reading your blog feels like catching up with a friend. Because it's your blog, you don't need to make promises or commitments to anyone, ever. Do what works for you and makes you happy. I'll just tag along for the ride. ;)

BookishPenguin said...

Delurking to say bravo - do what you need to do for you and say whatever you want to say ... UNLESS it's being unkind to yourself. I follow your blog because I love what you wear and what you say. I was looking at Danskos online two days ago because of you :) ... but I'll keep reading whatever you write. Do what you need to do for you.

Andie said...

Hillary- I have moments like that ALL. THE. TIME. So I totally understand. The only reason I haven't given up is because certain people (like you!) posted that you're still reading even though I've considered stopping altogether!

So I'm glad to see you're back! If you're not posting outfit pics, no big deal, we still love to hear what you're up to! :)

Mr. Opinionated said...

It has been said that the people who most pick themselves apart are indeed the ones who are most beautiful because they don't see what everyone else does. Don't second guess yourself. You are who you are. Period.

Jess said...

I am selfishly glad I have yet another window into your life, because I feel like we'd be friends if we knew each other for realsies (not that we aren't friends now, but hopefully you know what I mean). I adore you and your blog! <3

Katie Mann said...

I missed you. I'm so glad that you're posting again. I don't care if you post pics of your outfits and/or make-up, pics of the kitties, pics of your food. I just like your "voice". I'm fairly fickle and will read someone for ages and then just stop reading their blog, but although others come and go, you've never left my reading list. I adore your blog.

Kristine said...

I have been reading your blog faithfully for about a year and a half. And although I am terrible about taking the time to post a comment, I very much enjoy your day to day posts, probably because reading your blog is like chatting with a good friend. It takes a great deal of courage to put yourself out here like this, and I admire you for it.I am very happy you decided to return, you have been missed!

Mary said...

I was wondering where you went, and glad to see you're back! But I totally understand, I've been struggling with similar things in relation to my own blog lately, and I still don't know where I stand 100%. Long story short, whatever you decide to do in the future you have to do what is best for you, but I love to read what you have to say-- glad you are back :)

Amanda Williams said...

I've never commented, but now own 4 pairs of danskos, thanks to your blog. I've also considered emailing you several times to ask about your weight and size. You have the cutest figure. I hope you continue to post outfit photos, I adore your style!

K said...

I've never commented either but I wanted to say welcome back! I've missed reading your posts and I look forward to reading whatever you come up with in the future :)

amy von hawkins said...

I also don't comment, but have been reading for years and missed seeing you online. Since you mentioned that you missed the interaction, would you like some of us non-commentors to comment more often (provided that we have something of substance to add)?

amy von hawkins said...

I've been reading your blog for years and have maybe commented once or twice in that time. I missed seeing your entries! Since you wrote that one of the things that brought you back was the personal interaction, would you like it if more of us commented, provided that we had something worthy to add?

mamichan said...

I am glad you are back!

byhillary said...

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate each and every one of you and welcome comments. Thanks so much!

byhillary said...

Here is my rule of thumb in life. It works well in any situation really.

you think:I have something to say.

ask yourself: Am I being a jerk?
NO, then go ahead and say it.
YES, then zip it.

Unless of course someone asks you "can you show me your biggest jerk impression" then by all means!

(I was attempting humor. I hope it reads that)

Lorena said...

I was wondering what was going on - we all have our moments- and if you wanted to share or not its your decision, your blog.
I am glad you are well and around - i also love reading about mischievous Daisy Boo and Waffles...

Beth said...

I'm glad you're back, Hillary. I'm laughing because the first thing I thought was it was me- why didin't I ever comment - she probably blocked everyone but her commenters. glad you're back. I read blogs on my lunch hour because I work in an equally non-friendly place with no lunchroom and I look forward to yours. You do have something to say!

byhillary said...

I don't think that's even possible. Id need everyone's email address. So no worries I'm way too lazy for that effort. It's all or nothing baby. ;)

Darling Petunia said...

Welcome back.

LR @ Magnificent or Egregious said...

Glad to see you are back and posting!

Kaisa said...

Glad to have you back!!!!!!!

lessake

anotheryarn said...

I read via RSS reader and thought it was odd that you hadn't updated in a while, but totally missed the complete "erase" you did. I'm so oblivious sometimes.

Anyway, I'm glad you decided to come back, however that ends up looking since I enjoy your blog.