Wednesday, November 16, 2011

jealousy is just love and hate at the same time

You've heard some of this before but I myself am only starting to GET IT. I've been wavering on the whole blog business for months. My photos are just crap lately. (one of the reasons this really bugs me goes back to self esteem. I feel great, see photos HATE it and get down on myself despite feeling awesome before I saw them. Bad lighting and out of focus isn't the real me but it still gets me down) I don't know when or where to take pics. Work is out of the question and now that I commute it isn't as easy outside with Dave working different hours. EXCUSES. All those excuses tell me just give it up because obviously if my heart was in it I wouldn't have an excuse. I don't like to give anything half ass effort. BUT then it dawned on me what if this was just a more casual fun thing like it USED TO BE. I don't need to stand in a field with my fancy camera. That isn't me, plus living in the city it is hard to find an abandoned building and parking lot to pose in. So this is me proclaiming I don't care to pretend to be fancy. I'm not. My purse is messy, I hang things inside out (but I do hang them!) I don't fold my things before I put them in drawers (I do with linens though oddly) I proclaim things like "Tonight is wear the most wrinkled pjs you can find in your drawer night" and appoint myself winner.

All those shiny happy blogs are awesome. I've said it before. I just don't know how to be that person. I always forget part of my lunch on the counter at home, I misplace my phone 4 times a day, I never remember to charge my camera, I wander around the office looking for an earring or pen I lose during the day. I can't be trusted to water my plants at work. (I've been forbid from doing it actually) I forget things. OFTEN. So often I have notes of EVERYTHING I do at work. I am known for my binders of random tabbed notes.

My desk at right this moment ONE of my binders and my to do list from yesterday. ( I keep them in a notebook and put at date at the top of the page so I can go back and see when I did something if I have to. I also take it to all meetings so I have it all right there in one place and I tab it when an important topic was discussed I know I will need later)


If I don't write it down I forget. (sadly it is a side effect of a med I took. At least that is my theory)
I am just not that together fancy cool chic person! But I am OK with that, now I am at least. I like my odd ways most the time. But that doesn't mean I am not jealous of those people. (see title)

Though on my plus side I do take care of my belonging. I shine my shoes, I iron (technically I have things ironed because I don't "do it right" but I still don't go out in wrinkled clothes, I even have him crease my pants) I keep my purses in their dust bags, I put things away, I organize my stuff and label EVERYTHING. My DVDs are organized by type and how recently I watched them.

All that said here are some looks from the past few days.
cropped week of november 7th

Dress Ann Taylor Loft, Hoodie American Eagle, Boots Clarks, Ring Charlotte Russe?

owl ring full size

full size

Here you can't even see the outfit. But wait I have one you can see the outfit but my head had been replaced by a heart, those 6:30am shadows were not my friend.

11.15 full size

Blazer Forever 21, Jeans American Eagle (old!) shoes Clarks, Shirt H&M, Scarf

hair 11.15

Totally over exposed but my hair looks nice at least!

Basically for my own sanity, I am not going to try and be polished because when I do I see everything wrong. But if I approach it as a casual oh here is just me on my phone then I hope to break this terrible self deprecating cycle I have got into. It isn't healthy and I know that.

Now to end on a up note!

 I turn around for 5 seconds to put a shirt on and I find this.

I turn around for 5 seconds to put a shirt on and I find this.

Serious kitty

Daisyboo is so chill and dignified and doesn't act out (often, almost never) and doesn't cuddle unless it is on her terms. She usually is a black blob in photos. That doesn't mean I love her less. I love her more most days. (You hear that Miss Waffle McButterpants) but once and awhile she sits still enough with enough light on her that you can see her!


Cassykins said...

Waffle McButterpants... I like it!

While you do typically look pretty darn polished to me, I do like non-perfection better. Personally I don't iron things, have gone out with slightly wrinkled clothes and my hair is always a frizzy mess. Today I look greasy because I couldn't wash my hair last night with my migraine. Seeing perfection, well that just makes me feel even dumpier. I prefer someone who is awesome, but normal. :)

C said...

I think the best thing you can do is to be you, and I'm so happy to read this. We all have insecurities that drive us towards mimicking others, and the fact that you are willing to say "this is me, and I'm gonna be ok with that" is much better than trying to be something that you are not.
You are a fantastic person, that's what matters.

Kasmira said...

Owl ring!

I have to write things down to remember them, too. I say it's because my head is already SO full of all the other useful things I know.

Allie (Wardrobe Oxygen) said...

I don't read many blogs any more because they are BORING. Beautiful photos that could be in a magazine. Covetable designer pieces. Shots in an abandoned factory or a field at the golden hour. Not a wrinkle or muffin top in sight. But who is the person? If I want perfection, I'd rather get it from Kate Moss than a blogger in NYC.

Blog for you, not for the pagehits or the trends. Because they are trends, they come and go and style - be it how you rock your new lipgloss or nailpolish or realistic contents of your purse... is stylish. And awesome.

I've been there. SO. MANY. TIMES. I get to the point where I wonder what the point is of blogging any more. And then I remember the fun part, the community, the long-time readers who have become friends. I remember them, and blog for them. So blog for us.

And as many Waffle pics as you desire, can't get enough!

Patricia said...

Hey! I hang things inside out too. I also don't fold things before they go in my drawers (which puzzles my boyfriend greatly), but I figure it is just as easy to find them folded or unfolded.

byhillary said...

@allie you saying I do have a muffin top? I thought I hid it well. :P I have had this site 9.5 years and I can tell I have NEVER done it for page hits. I don't look at that stuff. I can't. I started the site for a portfolio, then store, then for my mom wanted the outfits then here we are... I wouldn't know a trend unless it hit me up side the head and I yelled at it for hitting me. I always blogged for me that is why I have some regretable posts (there are some doozies from about three years ago. I leave them up though because I am like that. I leave bad comments up too) but I used to think that the ME I wanted to be was shiny and neat but I am a wreck and I am getting OK with that. Some days more than others.

Kasmira Yeah my head is full of stupid trivia! No more room!

@C thanks dude :)

@cassykins I had a mirgaine yesterday too! I usually take hot hot showers when I am at my wits end and half way through washing my hair want to cry because I don't have the energy.

Cassykins said...

I loooove hot showers when I get migraines, but I usually don't have have the energy to do much besides just stand under the water. Now today have my "hangover" and I feel like someone whacked me with a truck a handful of times. Even my teeth hurt. So ready for it to be later tonight/tomorrow because I know it will wear off by then.

Stefka said...

Hillary - I enjoy your blog precisely because you are real and relatable. (And I love your style. And you have adorable cats!) I went through the first 25 years of my life thinking that everyone else got an instruction manual for life except for me...I still struggle to accept that if I feel awkward or disorganized (or ____ - fill in the blank), it doesn't mean that something is "wrong" with me.

I love the "tabbing your notes" strategy - I think I will try it! At work I have dozens of color-coded folders, it's the only way I can remotely keep on top of things!

brittneynikkole said...

May I just say a hearty hear, hear. I wouldn't know good lighting if I kicked me in the teeth. And if I ever managed to look super polished and find a lovely background the world would promptly end. I dig that your look/pics are unique and inspiring while still being accessible. Oh, and I love that blazer.

Lynn W said...

I much prefer the "regular gal" blogs than those that look like they belong in a magazine. I can relate to them. There are so many blogs I just quit following because I just had nothing in common with them. I'm here because of your sense of humor and style.

And no, you don't have a muffin top!

freeda said...

Amen sister!

Allie (Wardrobe Oxygen) said...

No I am generalizing you silly girl. You have a rockin' bod.

But those other shiny boring blogs are just for pagehits, yours is for you. And ,love you and your blog!

Andrea said...

This makes me love you even more! You're too hilarious! And, thank you for pointing out the fact that it seems like everyone lives in a dreamworld except for me with my messy ass apartment and sloppy closets!

I'm the worst at just keeping up my blog, but I admit to falling into the same bad thoughts about myself and giving up.

byhillary said...

Allie I was SO being a glib smartass to you ;P I need a sarcasm font.

Megan Mae said...

I agree with Allie, there are too many "perfect" blogs. My favorite reads are people who are real, genuine, accessible.

I love reading about you, seeing you wear hoodies with dresses, wearing flats and glasses and looking gorgeous while doing it. (On a less serious note, I want to sneak into your closet and steal that floral dress. Bewaaaare)

I hope you are able to let yourself get back to having fun with your blog and pictures.

byhillary said...

meganmae if my boobs grow in even the slightest it's yours. It is on the cusp of not fitting now. It's chiffon so there is NO GIVE what so ever. My grandmother is something like an H and I am holding at DD so there may be hope for you!

byhillary said...

andrea my closet is tidy as long as you dont look close! all the stuff is folded in it but the damn cats keep pulling it all down!

lynn now I want to eat a muffin! NOM! :)

freeda I made an obnoxious punching gesture in solidarity.

brittneynikkole I complain it's too bright turn lights down then complain everything is too dark.

Stefka do it. get the write on tabs they are amazing

Patricia one morning of riffling through it and its unfolded anyways so why bother!

Heather said...

It is hard not to compete, even if it is only in our own heads.

ismay said...

Thank you! Reality is what we blog readers want. Or at least what speaks to me. I cant do photoshop and professional photography on my own outfits - I want to see something that corresponds to what I see in a mirror.

Perfection is just depressing and can be seen in a real magazine or on TV. But inspiration for day to day life comes best from day to day looks.

Lonestarcasie said...

I always think you look fabulous and you paint your nails. I am trying to start doing that (2nd week and holding) but I have been a dismal failure at keeping decent nails for most of my life. I am the most unphotogenic person I know. I am constantly asking my husband and best friend if what I see in the mirror is some kind of delusion after I see a pic of myself. They agree. I just don't take good pictures, but it knaws at me that I am the hideous woman in the pic. Don't give up. You look awesome and you sound like the kind of gal that most girls would have a blast hanging around with too.

Buffalo Girl said...

I read your blog because you're you and you're real. Your blog (YOU!) introduced me to NARS nail polish. I saw you wearing it and I went right out and bought it because it looked so good.

I hope you will continue to stay to true to you. Fancy pictures and poses do not make a blog interesting.

I like your style; we have some of the same articles of clothing and I love to see something I own styled in a way I may not have thought of.

Robin said...

I love your outfits, and I love how you do a closeup so we can see your makeup. For me, your pictures are completely fine. I also don't bother with perfect, interesting and/or well-lit photos. Hell, I don't even have kitty photos like you! (I love the kitty photos)

You always seem very well polished to me.

LR @ Magnificent or Egregious said...

I don't post that often, but I've always liked your blog (found you through Fab Finds Under $50) -- I've stole some cool style ideas from you (still love those cobalt blue hair extension pieces!!) and I get your humour. I'm not a big fan of the glossy posse blogs with hardly any good thanks.

Teresa Kulupka said...

please do enjoy your blog because i do. i love your pictures, i love your outfits and you!

Andie said...

I often have similar sentiments! But then I realize I actually took a lot of those blogs with model type photos and such out of my google reader because they were boring to me. If I wanted to look at and read about designer clothes I can't afford, I'd just buy an issue of Vogue! The reason I read blogs is because I know these are people who aren't doing it for $$$ but rather for themselves!

So kudos for you for realizing it. Having just returned to blogging after my maternity hiatus, I have to say, at first, I felt crappy about myself because my body is different, etc. but then I got great comments from people like YOU and I remembered that there is a great community! :) I'm happy to be back.

oh, and like you, I rarely read my stats. I probably should on occasion, but I never think about it. LOL

and post waffle pics all you want! Don't be surprised if my blog is full of andrew and maggie photos too! LOL

Andie said...

oh, and I LOVE that blue blazer/scarf/tee outfit. pinning that.

rlutz said...

I like reading your blog because you are you...real...individual... interesting. Sometimes, I just have to keep reminding my self that blogging is supposed to be a hobby, not a chore.

Jessica said...

I love your blog because it's real. You're a sensitive person who cares about others and you have a unique style that I love. I'm glad you are able to step back and recognize what is healthy and what isn't. Do whatever feels right for you. I love reading about and seeing your outfits, but I love everything else too. I actually read your blog and, most others, I just skim thru.

I also hang things inside out and I usually don't put stuff in drawers at all. I like leaving them unfolded in the clothes basket or in the dryer for a week. :)

I cant' remember jack crap. My dr says it's because I'm "perimenopausal" at 32 years old. I had to have my hormone levels checked and I know 'take' hormones. It helped for a while, but not so much anymore. I make lists for everything so I don't have to try to remember things. I'm the last person anyone should say, "Remind me to..." to.

I'm messy when it comes to so many things and organized on other things. My desk usually looks like a bomb went off because, if it's not on my desk, then I don't remember that it needs to be done. :)

I think you're neat. I wish we lived closer so we could be real life friends. :) Just sayin.

Lorena said...

Well Mss MC Butterpants, i like you for being just they way you are.
I write stuff on the palm of my hand and then wash then... you should see me trying to figure out what I wrote !