Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Turning off that voice

IMG_3071

Skirt Target 2010 no longer available
Shirt H&M 2004
Tights American Apparel "sangria"
Clarks book pumps 2010
Earrings Marc Jacobs giraffes 2010

I had been averaging the same 1-2 lbs range for 3 years (since June 2007) and I've sneaked my way 4 lbs over that number (basically since pop passed) and it bothers me. Mostly because I maintained it for SO LONG that those 4lbs are enough to make things just a little tighter and some not quite comfortable and I try on 834924 outfits for one I like.I also am SO hard on myself and super self conscious at all times lately. BUT here is the weird part. I have got more "have you lost weight" comments lately. No not at all but I am UBER conscious of my appearance and haven't worn such form fitting clothes for fear of looking BIG. I know I am absolutely ridiculous about 4 lbs but they are enough to change my fit. Nothing really changed in terms of what I eat. I still track points. (Every day since October 26th 2006) I think I am drinking more caloric things than before due to extreme lack of sleep. Yeah so why the rambling. Why not and to say I will personally admit that I do look a bit slimmer from head on in this outfit. I assure you I am not. The side would tell you that but I am no fool I know my good angles to show.  ;) I haven't worn any of my Joanie dresses because I feel ugly in them. I hate this thinking and I want it to stop and since I am a blurter I hope by saying it maybe I can learn to STOP DOING IT! I will say for my own "defense" I am still in "goal" range. I would just like to be BELOW it and now on the upper end of it.

How do you shut up that little voice?
I know she isn't right and in reality not everyone is looking at me and saying "OMG SHE IS SO BIG" but she keeps saying that to me. I had an eating disorder in high school and college so I really want to nip this in the bud once and for all. I don't ever see it happening again. I like food now. I like to eat. I am no longer scared of it. I also don't overeat, I never have. I always suffered from not eating enough (that was my key to weight watchers. I wasn't eating enough when I joined. As soon as I started eating more I started losing)

27 comments:

Jodi said...

first off, I love this outfit on you, its gorgeous.. love the pattern and the color mix and the cut of that top looks really really good.

next, it is normal for us to have disempowering voices, that is a normal 'wiring' of humans. I guess the trick is to not listen to THAT voice, but instead create something else as the OTHER voice. The one who says " I am sexy", I am beautiful", etc. I think its common for us to think we have do DO something and then things will change.. but what about how we are BEING? For example, if you just took on BEING saucey, how would you be acting? What would you wear? And then over time you get that you get to say how you are, not the voices in your head... dont know if this helps (I am a coach and we have these kinds of conversations all the time..) you are gorgeous at any rate.
xox j

EvaNadine said...

i know this idea doesnt work for everyone, but it usually does for me:

i allow myself a small window of time to "give in" to the negative voice. sometimes, i actually NEED to feel bad, sad, mad, whatever. it is cathartic for me. it is tough to be positive all the time; sometimes you just need to let your guard down and feel vulnerable.
but when that window of time has passed, i buck up and start talking GOOD about myself. and i dont let the negative voice speak loudly after that. its like, because i allowed that brief period of weakness, it is easier to be stronger after that.

like i said, i dunno if that works for everyone, but it works for me...

hillary said...

Jodi that is a great idea and I know when i FEEL pretty I act differently.

Evanadine that is a good way to look at it. I am the same way in life so I should try it with this. I need to rant and rave and have someone hear me then I can move on. I was like that with grief this year. It took me 6 months to know I was ALLOWED to grieve. I wasn't allowing myself up until then. Once I did I honestly felt so much better. Less physical pain from suppressing feelings.

Mrs. C said...

I love those tights.
I have gained 7lbs this year. I stopped doing WW and working out, and I know I need to begin again, but I'm pretty happy and don't have the motivation to do it anymore.

You do have to give yourself some slack, it's only 4lbs and as long as your cholesterol, sugars, etc are ok then try not to pressure yourself. Stress adds to weight gain.
When I lost my papa in 2006 (same year my dad was going through chemo/radiation) I gained almost 20lbs. I was eating my feelings. I let myself do that for a good while, then when life started to feel normal again, I was able to address that issue. Give yourself time, like the others have said: you deserve to grieve and not feel guilty for it.

Rachel said...

I know it's not how you feel, but you always look gorgeous!

Like Jodi, I've created a different voice that I call my "Fake". I don't actually feel pretty, or stylish, or any of those other positives, but I act like I do - I fake it - and for the most part it works. Having a really complimentary husband helps too. On days when that negativity is just too much to ignore I let him know that I need his support and he helps me to feel better about myself.

I'm not a proponent of pills, but I did take an anti-anxiety med for a few years when things got overwhelming and I stopped eating and dropped to under 90 lbs. I've struggled with food my whole life, more due to GERD and other stomach issues than due to image, but it ended up affecting the image I had of myself. I'm not necessarily saying you should try meds, but I have friends who swear by St. John's Wort and other herbal suppliments that help with depression and anxiety. Usually image issues are tied in with anxiety issues as well.

I don't know if there's any way to really shut the voice off completely, but these are things that I've done that have helped. I think alot of us struggle with it - Kudos to you for putting yourself out there and letting us know that you struggle to. Most of us don't/can't/won't talk about it.

And when I feel really bad, I hit the gym. I'm working on bulking up my muscles right now - like Kelly Ripa bulk. Not only do I feel better about how I look, but the endorphines released from working out with free weights is a huge mood booster. I always thought I would hate excersize and avoided it since high school softball, but now i love it! If you don't want to join a gym there are lots of toning and slimming excersizes you can do at home with no equipment. I can be reached at mamak2327 at gmail dot com if you would like some ideas.

And remember, your readers love you even if you gain 4 lbs.

DaniellaBella said...

Those voices are hard. And big jerks. I took a class on mindfulness mediation and the leader talked about how our minds sometimes try to trick us. There are those stories that we tell ourselves and have been telling ourselves for so many years that we can’t tell the difference between fact and nonsense. They have become a habit and sometimes we just accept them to be true, even when it’s clear to everyone around that it’s not. I think it’s part of how we all have a skewed perception of ourselves. Part of living mindfully (so that you actually feel like you’re living rather than passing the time) is to catch those thoughts and recognize them before they spin out of control. You may not be able to stop them but if you notice that they are there and are false they lose their power (kind of like Rumpelstiltskin, he’s powerless once his name is spoken). So that’s how I try to do it. It’s tough though isn’t it?

DaniellaBella said...

Those voices are hard. And big jerks. I took a class on mindfulness mediation and the leader talked about how our minds sometimes try to trick us. There are those stories that we tell ourselves and have been telling ourselves for so many years that we can’t tell the difference between fact and nonsense. They have become a habit and sometimes we just accept them to be true, even when it’s clear to everyone around that it’s not. I think it’s part of how we all have a skewed perception of ourselves. Part of living mindfully (so that you actually feel like you’re living rather than passing the time) is to catch those thoughts and recognize them before they spin out of control. You may not be able to stop them but if you notice that they are there and are false they lose their power (kind of like Rumpelstiltskin, he’s powerless once his name is spoken). So that’s how I try to do it. It’s tough though isn’t it?

hillary said...

Rachel thank you!! I been there and done that with meds and therapy. As I mentioned I did have an eating disorder about 15 years ago. That course isn't the right thing for me. I also don't drink because I do not like to be altered at all. (though I do take stuff for insomnia and migraines)

I didn't really make the connection until YOU JUST SAID IT. My voice gets louder the more I don't see Dave. I barely get to talk to him lately. He is gone at 7am and doesn't get home until after 11pm and then works until 1 or 2 everynight lately. It will all be over soon but the more he is busy this semester yes I realize now the longer I dont see him the louder it is. I have a gym and do get a great deal of exercise daily. I can bench press a cat I am so strong.

mrs c you know what it is I am not eating my emotions via food (though I know I totally have before in the past) but I am physically eating my emotions instead and everything I eat makes me sick to my stomach. EVERYTHING.I was taking a GERD med but it wasn't helping me at all and my insurance was assholes about covering it. I have seen a doctor and a gastro and a allergist and had an end/colonoscopy an ultrasound, a mri and there is nothing physically wrong with me. I have done elimination trials of food and tried GF too. I think I need to go back to acupuncture it worked well in the past for my migraines I don't see why it wouldn't help my stomach which might helps the whole domino effect of feeling better about me and physically feeling better.

hillary said...

daniellabella
sweet jesus you just blew my mind in your awesomeness idea of RUMPLESTILSKIN. yes. Seriously. I am not being facetious you just altered my reality.I only recently started the mindful living (6 months or so). I was "waiting" for so long waiting to live. Now I'm like fuck it I want to do this. It took pop's unexpected heartattack to make me say why am I waiting to live?? Just live! I was in this weird holding pattern for way too long. I just need to APPLY what I do about my life to my body image. (part of my "living" is not being scared to wear hot pink tights and zebra to a conservative university library where I would of been a year ago)

Dave77459 said...

I guess I am the odd man out, because I don't have that little voice. Perhaps it is related to my being a man, for one thing. Maybe it is because I am much older, and going deaf so I can't hear the little voice. Or perhaps I have the husband's gift of being able to turn off voices that I don't want to hear.

When I was younger and actually cared what people thought, I imagined that inner voice to be one of a pair of twins. After speaking it's mind, it had to hand the talking stick to the other twin, the one who had the "yes but" response. I put on a pound. Yes, but that pound was a result of spending a weekend with awesome friends who I rarely saw, and I valued them more than a mere pound. The Debbie Downer voice couldn't speak until it's happier twin provided balance. (Yes, my twins were blond and hot -- did I mention I am a man?)

Rachel said,

And remember, your readers love you even if you gain 4 lbs.

Could that be any more true? No.

I plan to make an early NY Resolution to stop mentioning that you've lost weight. The fact is that your weight is irrelevant to my point; you have looked increasing terrific. I will endeavor to focus on that direct message rather than make a tangential comment that flatters kinda but puts an emphasis where it doesn't need to be.

You look fantastic. That's all that need be said, yeah?

hillary said...

Dave H husband's gift haaaaaaaaaaa. Yes I think that comes with the long term realtionship because MAN do the men in my family have it. ha.

Your sweet. I need to ask the lucy the bad twin to shut up so matilda can talk for a minute (my moms two names for me. Lucy is of course the bad one. Named after the bossy peanuts lucy)

david said...

i get what you're saying but you know i think you're crazy, right?
we are all our own worst critics and it's so much easier to judge and put down than to be nice.
you have such a great sense of style and you always look so pulled together.
there will never be a time in your life when there isn't an -er.
Someone will allways be taller, skinnier, faster, smarter, prettier. But guess what, someone else will always be shorter, fatter, slower, dumb-er, ugly-er.
The point? Um... Oh yeah, relativity. It's all subjective relative to your frame of reference and as such, it's meaningless. all you can do is be you. and i, for one, love what that means and who you are.
you are pretty, stylish, funny, and smart - and i am happy to have such a wonderful girl in my life.

Melrose said...

Your skirt is gorgeous! And I would chime in, but I'd just be repeating what everyone else has been saying. You still look absolutely gorgeous. I was having one of those days last Friday and went on my own very similar past... I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I've reached my mid twenties and will never be the tiny girl I was when I was eating unhealthily in my earlier years.
You just need to find an outlet that makes you feel good about yourself... I know someone suggested exercise... but maybe a different type? I know there are a lot of pole-dancing classes being offered now, and Carmen Electra has a "FIt to Strip" DVD series (quite tasteful actually, even if her body does make me green with envy). It's a way to help with the 4lbs (which is NOTHING! Believe me... I've found an extra 20) and feeling like a sexy tiger.

hillary said...

Melrose. your suggestions are great but I had to laugh because I AM SO DAMN UPTIGHT. I can't even dance alone in my own living room. I am sure my husband and mom read this and laugh. Do you watch the office? You know angela? Thats me but less bitchy. Pair that with INSANELY shy.

HollyElise said...

First thought on seeing this post!

Holy bajeezus you look fantastic!

:)

Megan Mae said...

You look so fantastic.

I think you need to tell that little voice what for. I've been talking back to my 'little voice' a lot over the past year.

I've gained fifteen lbs in the past year and a half or so. I guess you could call it the "Fresh 15"... but it's really because I quit playing Dance Dance Revolution on heavy mode 3 days a week for 5 hours a day. Part of my fashion blog is to bring self-awareness and self-happiness to the forefront, if only to back myself up against that little voice. I actually eat healthier and less because I'm not burning up so much and I'm not loafing about a mall food court.

Allow yourself to do what you need. If you need to be angry, sad happy... Do it. You've had a very rough time, stress is very hard on the body. You probably lose and gain those 4 lbs within a span of days. Bodies fluctuate, especially bodies of the female variety.

Never let that little voice get the better of you and certainly don't let a number dictate how you feel. If you feel healthy and happy, allow yourself to feel that way.

I don't care if I'm repeating what others are saying. Be fabulous and sexy! Be gorgeous and smart and funny! Because you are.

Cara said...

My voice is pretty powerful some days. I find she's quieter on days when I drink 8 cups of water, and eat 6 smaller meals - possibly because she doesn't talk with her mouth full!! Those are also the days when I have energy to jump off the bus a few stops earlier and walk, or take the stairs at work.
I often get comments about losing weight when I've gained, too - I think weight just shifts around. Now if only I could get it to shift up to the chestal region!

v said...

I love the pop of color in the tights- that is something I do all the time! :)
I have also been counting points for some time. I think that if you are on the high end of your comfy zone and dont want to be, AND you recognize you are drinking more calories then that's half the battle :) You could try removing the higher cal drinks and save them for special occasions, or try WW-izing them :)
its normal to have those thoughts, in my opinion. we are humans and always so hard on ourselves.

Jennoit said...

Gawd I adore that skirt.

Melissa said...

Turning off that voice is really difficult. I know. I've been working on it for years.

You are beautiful. I can't say that enough.

Aubrey said...

I really do this, all the time: I imagine the voice of my self-criticism, anxiety and depression as Sarah Palin and I literally imitate her and say all these horrible nasty things about myself and then I laugh because I can't take it seriously. I think it would work to mock anyone who you don't respect that you can do an impression of. Then I try to think of myself as not a collection of parts that are too fat here or malformed there, but as a one whole complete thing that is strong, healthy, and foxy as hell.

Sara said...

I have so much to say, but will only say this: yoga. Try it. It literally changes my life and how I feel about myself everyday

hillary said...

Sara I have been doing yoga off and on for years.

thank you everyone. I appreciate you all taking the time to tell me some of your coping techniques.

Sarah said...

I love your outfit! The pink tights are fantastic! I understand your feelings about gaining weight. Since being married October 2009, I have gained 15 lbs. It sucks, is depressing, and I feel terrible about myself! One of the things I have done, in addition to counting my points again, is look at the principles of intuitive eating. Their principles have allowed me to feel in control over what and how I am eating. Good luck!

whenlifehandsyouapear said...

I absolutely LOVE the pink tights with this outfit!

I've put on several pounds in the past few months and keep hearing my voice nag me about it. Some days I'm positive everyone around me is focusing on how big my rear is getting, but then I stop myself and wonder how I can be so self centered as to think anyone has nothing better to do than concentrate on my ever-expanding butt.

I'm also learning to say, "So what?" a lot more. My arms are thicker? So what. My stomach isn't as flat. So what. My weight and shape don't determine who I am as a person or make me any better or worse than anyone else. Some of the most beautiful, funny, and amazing people I know don't fit typical beauty standards, and I don't look down on them one bit, so why am I sometimes so hard on myself for enjoying a good carb or being born pear shaped?

Sheila said...

I know that voice - and I think you know I lost 50 lbs on WW 4 years ago? I have slowly crept up over the past 2 years - I was about 8 lbs below goal, then let it get right up there. So...with the prospect of being out of work, I am now training to be a WW leader! I'm excited about it - they have a new program launching in a couple of weeks, btw.

I think you look fabulous in this outfit, Hilary!

hillary said...

Shelia I am a lifetimer. They launched the new program on monday and so far I am not a fan. I have to unlearn 6 years of points tracking and what points cost and what I had. The new system isn't intuitive to me yet. Mostly because some points went up and some didn't and I can't figure out how to know without looking it all up.

I had kept it all off until these 4 lbs for 3.5 years.