Monday, October 18, 2010

I learned something about myself today

I have faults. I know what many of them are and I am not afraid to admit them. One of my biggest ones that I would like to change is I don't know how to take a compliment. I am not going to turn this into a pity party but lets simply say... I wasn't well liked growing up. Because people used to (and still do) talk poorly about me I assume that is what everyone everywhere is thinking. I can't for the life of me comprehend that someone actually thinks nice things about me. I think NO WAY I don't look nice, can't they see my arm is chubby, can't they see the bags under the eyes. They must just be trying to be nice because they feel bad for me. When I should just say THANK YOU, I say yeah but no this is wrong... bah.

That is how this post started. Often people say I have nice skin. I balk. It's blotchy and I have spots and luggage under the eyes. IT IS ALL MAKEUP I say. I thought oh I will do a half and half face post and show everyone that even when it doesn't look like I have much makeup on that I have a full face. I have never gone to work in my entire life without makeup. The thought of it shocked me? Go out without it? I could never! What would people think!?

(particularly look at my chin. See the line?) I draw in my eyebrows. I conceal spots, I wear a face full of foundation. I wear blush, highlighter to contour my cheeks. I wear light reflectors in the corner of my eye and under my eyebrows. I wear beige liner in my eye to counter act the red. I wear liner and no less than two shadows along with another liner and mascara and lipgloss.

It's a lot of damn work and you know what? I went into this convinced I was going to show you all that what a difference it was and I was frightful without all that stuff. Honestly? I surprised myself. It doesn't look that different when you REALLY put it side to side.


Now I do think there are some improvements with makeup I kinda see that I don't really NEED it like I thought I did say 2 hours ago. Maybe people really wouldn't think less of me with out. I don't think tomorrow I am going to run out without makeup but I know I will be thinking about do I really NEED to put this item on?

So there you go. I learned something new about myself and that I might just be a bit wrong.

Have you had any of those moments lately?
Ones where you were being your own worst critic only to realize you might just be too harsh on yourself?


DaniellaBella said...

I think that this is lovely. I think that how you feel about people seeing you is how a lot of people feel. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that people might secretly be making fun of me just like they did when I was in grade 8. I'm also sure that my Gentleman Caller, who thinks I'm wonderful, will figure out one of these days that I am the most ordinary person on the planet. Maybe part of growing is recognizing that what our brains are telling us is not always the truth. And that replaying all those stories from the past isn't helping us in the present. It's tough being a woman. Sal at Already Pretty post something else good today
I think that maybe the key is to be kind and gentle to ourselves and slowly slowly we can believe that we all deserve to be treated better, by ourselves and by others.
Thanks for your bravery and tackling an issue that in not uncommon but still secretly tricky. And I agree about the makeup. It's great when we can view it as something that is fun and artistic rather than necessary war paint to face the world!

Cyn said...

You're a brave soul, Hillary. But you're right in that your pictures don't look all that different- just enhanced. If anything, I'm inspired to learn what actually makes a difference and what I downsize.

I too am overly harsh when it comes to myself. I am forgiving of others and if anything, I'll defend them fiercely. But I had to start using an inner mantra of "Why are you doing this to yourself?" when I really start to work myself over.

Crazy, isn't it?


P.S.- I do think your skin looks nice. I remember a Sex in the City ep where they talked about staring at their pores in a mirror. I thought, "who does that?" Then I did it once in a magnifying mirror and swore never to do it again. I figure I look pretty good for 30. We do our best, right?

A-C said...

Oh hell yea.

Recently I realized that the adage "you were never as fat as you thought you were" is SO true. All through high school and undergrad I thought that I was HUGE. Untrue. I may weigh a bit more than I would like, but the image in my head of my body can be really out of whack. For example, someone asked if I've lost weight today. So yea. I learn/realize stuff all the time.

Esti said...

As a dedicated non-wearer of makeup, it makes my heart sing every time a pretty girl realizes she doesn't need the stuff so much. It should make you feel pretty when you choose to wear it, but not that you can't be pretty without it.

On the other hand, when I'm feeling frumpy and tired and haven't gotten a compliment in a while I get terribly paranoid that not wearing makeup is holding me back in the world and I should just be a normal girl and powder my damn nose. I agree with DaniellaBella... it's tough to deal with all these contradictory ideologies and pressures. In the end, though, I cherish the fact that I always just look like myself.

Also, your eye color is completely gorgeous!

rlutz said...

You have the most beautiful bone structure in your face!
I am also my harshest critic. I never felt like I was good enough growing up and now I still sometimes feel that way. I wish I could look in the mirror and just say wow, I look great, but that is so hard for me. As I get older and become a mom, I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin, but I am still my own harshest critic.

Angela said...

Thank you for sharing.

I have a question though... what do you use on your eyebrows? I currently use MAC eyeshadow in concrete and my brows look nowhere as good as yours.

hillary said...

Angela MAC brow powder in Auburn. I use a small cheapie brush to apply it. I think it's meant to be an eyeliner brush. It comes in a little slider case and looks like eyeshadow and has a highlighter too.
I can't find it on the site but Milani makes a cheap almost identical alternative.

I also have the brow gel by MAC but it's Mia. I blame the cat.

jungleworldcitizen said...

Halfway on your text, I was about to disagree with you, I'm glad you saw it, though :) You really don't need to wear each and every item on your makeup list every time you do it. I'm a stranger and I have no reason to lie to you, it wouldn't make a difference, therefore believe me, you look just as great ;)

Have a lovely Tuesday!

Shaye said...

I realized that nobody pays as much attention to the state of my skin as I do when taking prednisone this summer caused horrible, embarrassing neck acne. And anytime I'd complain about it (even makeup wouldn't really cover it), I'd get a blank stare and people would sort of squint at my neck and say, "Oh, I hadn't really noticed. It doesn't look that bad to me."

I kind of had an A-ha! moment a couple weeks ago when I tried out a new kind of makeup. It was kind of heavy and made my skin look flawless, for sure, but once I washed it all off I had the thought - spontaneous, out of nowhere - "Thank god, I look so much prettier when you can actually see my skin." My skin is far from perfect, but really think it's true. I use some mineral makeup to even out my complexion and cover the blemishes, but I really don't need heavy makeup. Just my brow powder, a little mascara and blush - and on really bad days, a little extra undereye concealer - and I'm good to go. (I'll put on lipstick if I'm feeling fancy, but most days it's Burt's Bees for me.)

(By the way, Bare Minerals also makes a pretty great Auburn brow powder...)

Heather said...

What a wonderfully introspective post. We are always our own worst enemy when it comes to compliments. I always say thank you and smile but inside I'm wondering if they need a new prescription for their glasses!

Associate Girl said...

One of those moments . . . Yes, I have. My grandma passed away and my dad was too busy to go to the funeral. I have been deeply afraid that I was growing up to be like my dad. But with his decision not to go, I realized that I am not at all as cold as he is. I would never stoop that low.

Dave77459 said...

I believe you should go back and read this post every day.

But I worry a bit too. You apply makeup so amazingly, that I wonder how much of your self-esteem is intertwined with your skill? Surely you gather some satisfaction looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the art that you create? What if you didn't get this daily dose of self-affirmation? Could realizing that you are naturally pretty supplant that? But again, I'm certainly wrong about all this, and worry for naught.

Finally, I need to say it again: have a damn pork chop. You are wasting away. Attractively, sure, but eat Hillary, EAT!

Dave77459 said...

Oh, to answer your question: no, I never spend time on self-reflection. Glad you did, though.

hillary said...

Dave I weigh the most I have in 4 years. I have gained weight. :P

hillary said...

dave774659 again. I don't have self esteem is the problem. I think I look ugly with and without. I think makeup improves that and I am realizing i might not need it but I don't feel pretty either way.

tigerteacher said...

Yes - continuously! I was teased quite a bit growing up - I was never slim (though looking back at pictures I was really pretty average, not nearly as large as I pictured myself in my head) and I was always much taller than everyone else and felt like, frankly, a big ugly dork. Now, much to my own continued surprise, I work as a plus model. In each phase of this career I have felt shocked at my own success - shocked that my agency signed me, shocked at each booking, shocked every time I arrive at a job and someone says "The model is here."

I know I sound like I'm tooting my own here but the underlying thing is that it STILL always feels surprising to me...almost as if I will be found out as a fraud someday. And I often work in dept. store fashion events and hear from other plus women that they feel they could never pull off wearing these clothes or that they would prefer to hide or camouflage their shapes in clothing and not draw attention to themselves - and I wish that they could see themselves as I see them: just beautiful. So, I guess my point is that maybe it's endemic to women these days that we always default to self-criticism and, to me, it's a real loss.

By the way, Hillary, you are completely gorgeous to my eyes - and inspirational!

Julia said...

this was such a lovely post. You look beautiful with or without makeup.

Lisa said...

What a wonderful realization to have. You look amazing both with and without make-up. I think it's very easy for people (especially women) to pick themselves apart. Whenever I find myself getting down on myself and picking on myself I try to think, "Would I ever say that to a student/friend/sibling/loved one?" Of course the answer is always no, which brings about the point, if I wouldn't say it to someone I care about why am I saying it to myself? We always hold ourselves to ridiculously high standards, I'm so glad you had an enlightening moment that made you realize that your standards were unnecessary.

hillary said...

Wow thank you everyone! It really helps to tap into others thinkings on stuff like this.

Anonymous said...

I didn't read the other comments so this may be a repeat - but I think in general we are ALL conditioned to never be able to take a compliment. Like if we just say 'thank you' then we are conceited. Having to knock ourselves down is engrained (sp?) in us!

Anyway - I think you look great with or without the makeup :)

Simply Lisa said...

Dear Hillary,

When I read your post, I thought back to how I too was teased a lot as a kid. That kind of childhood "trauma" can certainly have an impact on how you see yourself and how you perceive others. As an adult, I've often found myself thinking that people were still talking about me behind my back. What a miserable way to go through life. It can definitely ruin what could have become meaningful relationships. I finally overcame this when I found peace in God knowing that I am created in His image and all that really matters is how He sees me. I strive to be my best for Him - not man. Neither you nor I will ever find unconditional acceptance in man. It is something that can only be found in Him. When you find out who you are in Christ, the journey to true contentment begins ... So, yeah, forget what the kids in 8th grade gym said ... now I can finally say that I LOVE me - every.single.imperfection.

Lots of love to you!

P.S. I've always thought you were a cute lady - especially your eyes and hair :)

Lacey said...

You look awesome with/without makeup. I've tried many of your makeup ideas, since I have pretty much the same red color hair as you do, so I like to see how other people wear makeup/clothes to compliment their hair. And I just love the random blue hair extension you sometimes wear! I think that is supercool.

Lorena said...

Its just so very cool that you did this...
I see a very slight difference between these 2 pictures, it's YOU !
Some people are unrecognizable without make up, this is NOT YOUR CASE.
I am very judgemental on everything I do and wear.
I cannot even begin to tell you.... so yes, sometimes I am amazed that people will admire something I criticize about myself.