Friday, April 23, 2010

Insert witty title here.

Marc Jacobs Dress (2008)
Hoodie Target in LA (I never saw it in mine! It is nice a long 2008)
Boots Clarks 2008
I felt too posed smiley in this one so I added another for a more "accurate" me. I am not big smiley person.
clark boots english saddle
It's been a month. A very fast month. I was texting with my dad last night and he said "she did well with the 1 month anniversary" I hadn't even noticed. It still feels like days. I was really having an inner dialog about should I just stop blogging about him because it obviously annoys some people as they completely stopped visiting. Then I thought you know what? This is me. This is what I am thinking about. This is byhillary not hillary's parade of only happy stuff. It always was intended to be a lifestyle blog. I'm real. I talked about him a lot before he died because he was such a large part of my life so why should I stop when he is dead? If it makes people uncomfortable that is their issue and not mine.

This is the outfit I was wearing the last time I saw him. The day before he died. He said I looked nice and I told him how it was a $400 dress I got for 80% off in Las Vegas and he was so proud.
This was what I looked like when I bought it.
I should animate these
You think I am a deal hunter?! Not compared to him! The outfit has been sitting in a pile for a month. I was scared I would never want to wear it again. But you know I am oddly stronger than I ever thought I'd be (Not to be mistaken for doing well. I am a fucking mess honetly but I thought I'd be a comatose mess) . I wonder if it had anything to do with I feel like I had a real goodbye? Because the rest of my family is always crying and I felt like a jackass that I haven't been. Maybe it is because I am more like him then the rest of my family. Or maybe it is coming and one day I'll just loose my marbles in line for coffee? I dunno. I never lost someone close to me.

What are your plans for the weekend?

I am not sure if we are going to Gram's house or not. I have been out of state the past 5 weekends. I am really really tired. But I don't want her to be alone. I REALLY want to bring Waffle but that wouldn't end well. I can just see my Gram flipping out now. "SHES ON MY DRAPES! SHES HANGING FROM MY CANOPY! SHE JUST TOOK MY GLASSES OFF MY FACE!" haa I love that little magnificent bastard.

PS Let me just answer the question that keeps coming up. No I have not lost any weight. None. Not an ounce.

Me again. Lets play a game to make today fun.
Two Truths and a Lie

*I worked in the Amex Centurion (black) card call center.
*I was once promoted because my boss loved my voice.
*I painted houses one summer.


La Historiadora de Moda said...

I love the dress with the hoodie look, but I only own one hoodie and it's for yoga.

I will be working on revisions most of this weekend. Boring but necessary. My hubs and I do have a date night planned tomorrow night, though.

It's your blog, darling, and you should blog about whatever you want. Life isn't always a smooth ride, and you don't stop loving someone just because they're gone.

Lauren said...

I love the dress + hoodie dealy thing as well.

My Gramps got really sick my freshman year of college. We found out it was liver cancer that spread to many places, and he eventually passed a few weeks later. He had a lot of good stories, and I sorely miss him. I still cry when I think about him. I wish I would have had a chance to REALLY say good bye ... it was rough having it happen with me away from home.

hillary said...

Lauren I am so sorry you had to go through that.You must feel like you missed out. I am so sorry hun.
Mine was unexpected he wasn't sick. which is why my family is having such a hard time but I somehow knew. When I hugged him the day before I knew in my head. Not saying I am psychic but something told me it was the last time. That happened to my mom before too actually.

Kasmira said...

You look terrific! I'm glad to hear that you are doing well.

My witty title: "Hoodie Hillary"

hillary said...

Urg. I am not doing well at all, maybe I should change the above. I am just not crying all the time which makes me feel like a broken robot.

i should shut up now.

Jane W. said...

The print on that dress is spectacular!

KayeStar said...

your life, your blog, your words... if people dont like it then it is their problem.

hmmm... i say the lie is the painting?

Lisa said...

I agree, it's your blog and you should talk about whatever you want. Losing someone is hard and it takes a long time to get over it and it's unrealistic and unfair to think that will happen within a certain time frame.

Andy and I are having a homework date (how super lame does that sound?) and then I want to see Kick-Ass. I also have my first wedding dress fitting, but it involves some kind of tape on bra which I'm not really thrilled about.

I'm guessing the lie is about being promoted because of your voice, even though I thought you had a lovely voice in the video I feel like I'd heard something either in a post/comments to the contrary.

Kelly said...

Who the hell stops visiting byHillary because you start talking about something important? Those people are idiots.

I think it's funny you wanted to include a non-smiley picture because that's the opposite of how I feel - I think I'm pretty smiley in general so whenever I put in a blog picture where I'm not smiling, I try to include one where I am smiling even if I look stupid because the serious pictures don't feel like "me."

FWIW I've lost people close to me pretty often. I have a huge, close family so it's hard to avoid. One year when I was in college I lost my grandpa and two family friends (who honestly might as well have been my grandparents for how close we were) within a year. I usually have one big cry then that's it (whether it was a sudden accident or long illness). That's not to say I'm not still broken up after that one cry but...I don't know. It just doesn't usually come again after that. It's almost like every day is one long dull pain instead of moments of sharp pain that would make me cry - does that make sense? In fact I think I cry about it more often now, years later, because the pain comes suddenly and unexpectedly.

Also on a totally unrelated subject - I don't really know what I'm doing this weekend. I have a bridal shower to go to but other than that we don't have any solid plans. I wanted to go to the zoo but it's supposed to rain all weekend long.

Emily Kennedy said...

Girl, I will never shy away from the real you. Your grieving process is your own, and I am honored that you let me in on it. You are made of awesome.

hillary said...

Kelly makes total sense. I just keep poking the bruise. I am so sorry you had to go through that all. I can't even begin to think how you did it that is so many people in a short period. This is my first and I am so lost. I feel like I am grieving wrong since i am not crying. But at the same time sitting at my desk looking out the window and boom random tears. But not that CRYING. urg I guess everyone deals differently and I need to not compare? I lost my step grandparents and dave's but they weren't close and my great aunts and uncles have died but none of them I was daily close with.

C Lo said...

Lie - the house painting one.

I have noticed no real difference in your blog. You write about your life. It happens.

My daughters birthday party is this weekend. Tomorrow my house will be overrun with 10 and 11 year old girls, "Twilight", Jonas Brothers, and make overs. Eep.

Lorena said...

Weekend plans:
Take the car to the SHOP AGAIN, I am sick and tired of it, it seems like my car will never be fully operational.
I also have to take the dogs to the vet, clean the house (no cleaning lady for the past two weeks), do laundry, cook.
2 Truths one lie:
You did not paint during the summer...

Chelsea said...

You do the hoodie+dress combo so well!

Tonight I'm giving Nic and ride to BART so she can go to the Giants game, then I'm going to go home and have some me time. This usually involves frozen pizza and ODing on wedding shows. Saturday we're heading up to the town where we're hoping to have our wedding and just checking it out by ourselves (we brought some fam the first time). Saturday night might involve some fun drinky type plans, and Sunday might just have to be laundry day.

I would guess you didn't paint houses one Summer because you spelled out Centurion in the first option and the second would be a pretty elaborate fib.

Moni said...

Please don't feel like you have to censor your feelings! My Papa died in October 2008 and I still miss him. I still remember my mom calling me at 6am to tell me that he had passed. He had called me the night before to look into booking a cruise for him and my Nana (I'm their travel agent) and I kept that voice message on my phone for months after. We all grieve in different ways, and nobody can tell you how you should feel or act when dealing with such a monumental loss.

hillary said...

Are you guys ready to know or should I wait a little longer?

Happy_Peasant said...

Happy_Peasant here in an alter-ego, to say what others have said. It's your blog, write what you will. And, if you are too tired and need a weekend off, take it without guilt would be my opinion. She is alone during the week I am thinking, so it will not be a new thing. And there will be other times.

hillary said...

Hey steve!

thanks so much everyone. We are staying home. She called me at WORK today which she has never done. I think my dad got to her.

"hillreee I'm FINE stay home!"

So the correct answer or THE LIE

"I was promoted because a boss loved my voice."
I was infact DEMOTED from receptionist to file monkey because the lawyer that owned the law firm hated my voice and didn't want me to be the first thing customers heard. ASSHOLE. I can't believe my boss told me instead of just kindly moving me. I was new I could of moved without issue but no SHE HAD TO CUT A DAMN article out of a magazine on how to change my voice. BITCH PLEASE.

Dave and I did paint houses and I did work for Amex!

Emily B. said...

Sweetpea, there is no "wrong" way to grieve. And you don't ever completely come out of go through all the stages of denial, rage, sadness, acceptance two at a time or all at a time or back and forth. You might hit acceptance for a week and get back to rage....grief is never, ever over. It just becomes more bearable after a while.

It's been 14 years since I lost my dad and still there are days where I cannot bear to see another father-daughter commercial. Where I cry while I cut back my rosebushes because it reminds me of him. When I talk to him like he's still alive. But those days aren't as many now as they used to be, and the hurt lessens more quickly.

Your body will do what it has to do to get you through it. Crying is only what some people do to grieve.

And I am glad that you are wearing your beautiful MJ dress again. The one I long for with my whole heart and pretend is mine. :)

LisaJ said...

I'm sorry for everything you have been going through. I lost my grandpa almost 20 years ago and I still feel like it was yesterday- He was one of the best people I have ever known. I hope that each day will get a bit easier for you as time goes on.

I will say I started reading your blog because it is about a wide variety of things. I love that it is real!

And I think you have a nice voice-screw your old boss!

Little Miss Plump said...

I agree with Emily B - there is no wrong way to grieve! Like I said before, I still have a hole in my heart from when my mum passed in 2008...
AND I love reading your blog - I can't believe anyone would stop reading because of your granddad!! Your blog is one of my favourite - you're funny and witty, you have great outfits and nails and you're not like everyone else out there - neither is your blog x
keep it up xx


Candycane said...

I love this dress, with the hoodue - it looks great! You look so happy and excited in that picture where you bought it - then again I would of been also, to get it for that deal :D

Thanks for your kind comments on my blog - I am feeling a bit better but not 100% .. I have to go see a neurologist now to find out why it happened :(

And as others have said - it's your blog and how you feel so write what you wanna write :) I for one love reading all about different people and there lives )maybe im just super nsy) and would never stop reading a blog becase of it!

Sal xXx