Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Tuesday with more emotions


Shirt Ann Taylor (silk wrap shirt, What?? I wore a green wrap shirt yesterday? huh. yeah what can I say)
Black "all about shoes length pants" Gap
Shoes Filenes? They are over 5 years old as Filenes is long gone and torn down. I don't buy kitten heels. I don't think they look good on anybody, I find them very unflattering. Just a preference. I think they are silly and even now wearing them I feel ridiculous. Although I do love the kid leather flowers with a passion.
Necklaces Mark by Avon
Earrings Made by my husband. I noticed in these pics I had one on and spent the next 10 min retracing my steps on the top floors of my building. A coworker found it 10 feet from my desk.
Tank Old Navy
IMG_3346IMG_3697IMG_3698
This morning on my way to Dunkin Donuts (that was diverted to starbucks) a guy I took classes with when I was in grad school and works in my building said "want me to jump off the stairs" I had no idea what he was talking about and when he repeated it I realized he was referring to my photos lately. I am extremely shy person and just him saying this put me in that shy place. I wanted to run back to work and close my flickr account. I had someone comment last year they had seen me on the T. I went friends and family that same week and that was one the big catalysts (not main reason but it was part of it) I know this guy and hell we were in school for photography together but sometimes I think I am doing this to no one and no one is paying attention to me. (only child syndrome? I was not center of attention I have always been the other end, the loner)

So today when up doing these I had to find 3 spots before I was comfortable to do it and even then was panicked the entire time someone might find me. A lot of the time I think no one pays attention to me. I am the person the greeters never say hi to in a store, sales people over look, people cut in line, opinion isn't asked. I am not a doormat. I am quite the opposite but still this stuff happens to me more often than not. I joined remix and blogging in hopes to build my ego and feel better about who I am, become more confidant. Lately I find the opposite happening. Days when I get 2 comments I am almost in a state of despair and wonder WHY don't they like my picture today? Do I look stupid? Why did they like the ill fitting dress but not this nice outfit? This is not sane thinking I am aware. So something has to change. i am just not sure yet what.

I do know some people do actually read this. I have a tracker and I know people who know me read it religiously. Yet it bothers me that they never comment. (I know you can't win with me!) I just want a healthy balance of the two I guess. I don't want my family watching my life and never commenting but I freak out if an acquaintance is watching for fear they will confront me in life or judge me. (I guess I don't care if family judges me because I assume they are but if you don't know me than I care. You got to know me before its ok to dislike me!) I don't want to stop sharing but I am way more conscious of what I put out there.

Note this is not a pity party, no invitations were sent out. This is my outlet.

15 comments:

Heather said...

This is an interesting post. I feel SO similar to you about posting on Flickr and have taken to not posting very regularily. People don't seem to post comments and I also wonder if my photos are just not interesting enough. I try to assume that some people are like me and just sneaking time in to read my blogs or comment on my Flickr photos. It's a hard balance to strike between caring and not caring. I really get what you're saying about wanting to share but not being sure you should. No one likes to be judged.

Heather said...

I had another thought on this actually when I read your reply comment to mine on Flickr (re: the theme weeks) - honest comments. This is also something I obsess about - are people being just nice or honest about liking something? Do they feel pressure to comment on my photos or my blogs because I commented on theirs?

Sal said...

It is so hard to strike a balance between wanting feedback and preserving privacy. I totally feel ya.

Kelly said...

I'm constantly terrified that people I know will find my blog (or the flickr I host the pictures on). It's so silly, because it's not a big deal, but I even kept it a secret from my own boyfriend until he saw some self pictures on my camera. I don't know why I care - I want to meet other bloggers and interact with them, but I would be embarrassed and feel a bit vain if everyone I know in "real life" were to find this.

But as far as commenting....I do read all your posts, but I honestly just don't comment on every blog post I read. I mean, you can look totally adorable, but if there's not something specific that strikes me that I want to comment on, I usually just don't leave a comment. Not because I don't like your outfit or your post, but because "love this outfit!" day after day would get boring!

hillary said...

I must assure all of you. Its not you I was talking about. Its someone in my daily life. They read and read and never say a word. I see them and tell them about things in my life and they say "I know" what do you mean you know OH you read my blog. Huh you read it but dont' say anything about accomplishments or hardships huh? Another person reads and talks to my mom about it! Hey my momma is loyal of course she tells me!

Kelly I don't tell anyone I know in real life about my blog save for one or two people. Mom, husband and one friend. Others have found it though. Husband knows because he designed it! But he didn't read it for years unless I said DID YOU READ IT. Then last year I wised up and set him to email notifications!

D'Et said...

Hillary,

Fist of all, hi! I'm one of your quiet (ok, really quiet) readers. I love your blog and you're part of my morning "Google Reader" routine. (Man I love that little application.) Anyway, I really feel compelled to say something today. I think that what you're doing is very brave and admirable, but I can also see how putting yourself out there like that can be a source of anxiety. I mean... this blog is about you. One of the reasons I like your blog so much is the little bits of personality you inject into every post. It's not *just* about what you wear, even though that's how I initially found your site.

I'm also a blogger, but I write about music. I put my opinions out there (and occasionally some personal thoughts), but it's not as revealing. I did, at one point, have a completely personal blog that I kept up for nearly a year. I didn't care WHO read it... At first. I realized that I was giving the negative people in my life ammunition against me. And they were SO quick to use it. Unfortunately, I think those people are going to exist for everyone. I really think you should be proud of yourself for what you're doing. You're beautiful, have a great sense of style, and are doing something that Mr. Stairs would probably never do. Be proud that these people are reading. Good, bad, or indifferent. Heck, I'm proud of you and I don't even know you! :)

I think technology makes us a bit lazy. I find myself checking all the blogs in the morning, my facebook page, myspace, twitter... but I rarely take the time to pick up the phone and call an old friend to catch up. I'm thrilled to follow their lives around virtually, though. It's weird! Sometimes I hate it. You're not the first blogger that's made some comments lately about blog "lurkers", especially those people we know in real life. I hadn't ever really had it put in perspective for me. I just thought I was quietly catching up!

I really hope you continue to post and share your thoughts and outfits, but I also hope you find a place that's mentally comfortable to you. There are always going to be the moments where you feel 10 feet tall, and those that frustrate you. I hope the good outweighs the bad.

:)

hillary said...

D'Et
Thank you! It really is the people I know who lurk that get my goat. Mostly family related. (ok all family related)
I appreciate what you say and know I suffer from the same thing at times. Not 5 minutes after I posted this my oldest dearest friend in the world (after my husband of course, who has yet to comment :P) she emailed me because we have fallen into the digital friendship roles.

Also after reading your comment I instantly checked your profile and saw you were a 29 year old libra (30 yr old libra here) and instantly though FIGURES! Libras tend to put themselves out there but at the same time have a vulnerability to them (Not that I read up on these things, no not me)

rottencupcakes said...

The intersection because "real life" and teh internets is, i think, a sticky crossroad for almost every blogger. I've mostly made piece with myself, both irl & internets. It's something that I think about often. I am a relatively shy person in real life so when irl peeps find my stuff I'm vaguely embarrassed but try to not let it bother me. This is who I am. Like it or lump it. I hate getting caught taking my w_r photos but "getting caught" implies that I'm doing something "wrong" which I'm not so why do we care so much?! It's a constant circle conversation in my head.

all in all: i feel you.

D'Rae said...

Thanks for the advice on the grannie panties..... I only wear skirts and I usually wear this type of pantie in the summer anyway. So I am hoping that they will be ok. I think I am gonna get some of that gel anyway. Baby powder doesn't really last but maybe for 5 minutes.

By the way, your 50's type photos are simply adorable!

david said...

I never realizedit before but I think that's the reason (one of them at least) I have never been a successful Flickr-er, blogger, tweeter, etc. It isn't that I don't want people to see and know what it is I am proud of but there is too much anticipation, expectation, misunderstanding, and speculation for me to handle. In the real world I can gauge a person as I talk/present/whatever and react accordingly. Online it's more "here it is" and I have a hard time with the fact that one instance of something may be all that anyone ever sees. I don't know. That and I know I obsess about what people say, mean, imply, etc way more than anyone should.

Rachael said...

Personally I'm not bothered if people I know in real life find my blog. In fact all my RL friends already know, because I sent them the link. I've been told what I do is odd and also vain but I truly just shrug it off. It's always nice to get positive feedback in the form of comments but if I don't get many on an outfit that's cool, it shouldn't and doesn't change my own opinion of it. Your own opinion matters the most. Re: lurkers, my extended family all have the link too, but they've never commented so I don't know if they even read it. Again, meh.

Why are you concerned about people judging you? Why is anybody else's opinion of you more important than your own?

D'Et said...

Being a Libra is quite a trip, isn't it?! My mom is, also. We try so hard to create something perfect and beautiful... create, re-create, and finally release it... then sit there and worry ourselves SICK about it.

What is hubby? I've got a Gemini... Hah! :)

hillary said...

Rachael I am sorry you missed my problem. I don't care what people think but I dislike awkward moments like I dis with the guy teasing me with something from my blog. And you can not want to be judged and not are what people think. If you read the above comments this is much more and issue with a certain person who is very close to me an reading religiously and never interacting with me. Watching my life and not participating anymore. That is not ok. They read blog instead of calling me. Etc. That is an issue when. I report achievements or losses. If you k ow my aunt died and you don't talk to me about it that's wrong frankly. (when you are close to me like this person

BAM said...

Oh, I can see how it was a little off-putting to have someone comment in person on something they saw online.

It is kinda funny though that he remembered your pics! too funny, but they are unique.

bridgett said...

i read in google reader but don't usually comment b/c i'm too lazy to go to your actual site.

i feel the same way often, though. i fear people in real life finding my blog or twitter but i don't know why i care, i'm not posting anything secretive.