Monday, October 22, 2007

Celiac humor

dave's first garlic toast!
Originally uploaded by miss matilda
Yeah I have so given my doctor a crash course in Celiac!!!

if you dont remember what crackers are supposed to taste like.
if you bring "special" beer to the party, and don't share.
if you actually have nightmares about reading labels.
if you compare all of your food to "normal-people-food."
if you call all your relatives when you get sick. It MUST be becase something you ate has been cross-contaminated.
if you cry when you discover a new way to make gluten-free bread. And call all your relatives.
if you know that Xantham Gum is not for chewing.
if you don't lick stamps.
if you have a nose.
if your mother is afraid to do the cooking
if you sit on the phone with a pharmacy for an hour to find out what type of starch they use just so that you can take a generic Tylenol and be-rid of your headache.
if you know that spelt is a distant cousin of wheat, but buckwheat is not related to wheat at all.
if the construction workers working on the house next door to you can EASILY substitute your bread for one of their bricks.
if your grandmother INSISTS that you don't have celiac, you're just “suffering from malabsorption”
if you burst into tears of relief at the sight of the words "gluten free" stamped on the corner of the Nestle hot cocoa mix.
if people at summer camps roll their eyes and tell you to "stop annoying the junior waiters with your stupid low carb diet because you're skinny enough already"
if you actually KNOW what an anti-TTG and an IGA blood test are.
if you forget to buy bun, rolls, bread, ect. at the store for all the gluten eaters of you family.
if people have invite you to "The Olive Garden" on April first.
if you have accept their invitation and as pay back you bake them brownies
if you sold your house to buy groceries
if you sold your first child to buy groceries (even if you did not have one at the time)
if you can find "hidden gluten" in food labels in the blink of an eye,
if your family couldn't find them if they had a magnifying glass, dictionary, and Ph.D.
if you've actually suggested cardboard for dinner.
if you've actually eaten cardboard for dinner.
if you wept the first time you tried to make gluten free sugar cookies
if you accept that fact that cardboard probably taste better than gluten free sugar cookies anyway.
if you have ever made a list of everything you would eat if a magical genie could cure you.
if you keep this list with you at all times just incase you should come across a magical genie.
if you have searched for a magical genie.
if you now have a large collection of old lamps.
if you get a medical exemption out of cooking class because they are baking bread.
if you've been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
if at Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
if you've had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
if you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
if you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
if you've "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
if a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
if you've installed floor-to-ceiling bookcases in your bathroom.
if you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
if it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is
if you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
if you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
display in a fit of rage.
if you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
if you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
if the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
if your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play
if your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
if one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo
if you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your
if you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
if you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
if your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
if your financial portfolio consists of stock in two major toilet paper companies.
if you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
if you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
if you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
if you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups
if having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
if you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
if you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
if you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
if you have to buy extra memory for your Treo to be able to carry all your gluten-free food and restaurant suggestions
if you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" without your face twitching
if you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
if you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
if you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
if you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
if you know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
if you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of Gluten-free beer.
if you cried when you saw your usually careful husband brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
if you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby
if you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
if you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
if it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
if people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
if you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
if you talk about endoscopy's and colonoscopy's like these are normal everyday occurences that everyone gets nearly every year.
if you've ever watched your own -scopy, and asked the doc to point out anything cool.

1 comment:

Gypsy Lee said...

I just found your blog, and was looking through some of your back postings and found this list. And holy crap, genius!! I need to print this on a shirt or tattoo it on my forehead. Or send it to all the relatives that are tired of hearing my crash courses on Celiac. Thank you!